When It's Time to Let Go

When we have to let go of someone we love, it hurts. Whether that is through separation or death, we all go through the same grieving process: Denial, anger, bargaining, sadness/despair, and finally acceptance. No one is exempt from it...NO ONE. It's healthy, normal, expected, and needed. It's what heals us. Each stage serves a purpose in our recovery, and understanding what's happening to us, helps. Nothing can make the pain stop except time, so attempting to fill the void with substance or human flesh only prolongs it. Yes, we need support and we sometimes need comfort, but we need these through the process, not instead of it. 

Over time, I've been surprised by how many people are unaware of the process of grief. I've had clients who've been previously diagnosed with depression that medication didn’t relieve. It may have taken the edge off, but they were like dry-drunks...all the symptoms still very much in tact, but without the ability to express them. If you believe you’re depressed, I encourage you to explore grief counseling before heading to your doctor for meds. It's not always obvious.

Each phase of grief is preparing our psyche to accept the loss, which we resist because we have to pass through the depths of sorrow to get there. Therefore, these stages also serve as a buffer until we're ready. If we take this process gently, allowing ourselves (and others) time to move through it organically, it will take us all the way through and we WILL see light again. Knowing the process helps, so here are the stages as I understand them. I will use the context of a relationship ending:

Denial: This may appear as a "deer in the headlights" response; shock; exasperation; pretending it's not happening and acting/communicating as if the relationship is still in tact; fantasy thinking; an inability to see our part or take responsibility. Sometimes denial can extend into unhealthy behaviors such as obsessing, excessive communication, poor boundaries, possessiveness, and even stalking. It's important to get support if you find yourself slipping into any of these feelings or behaviors. 

Anger: When the denial begins to wear off and we can feel the sting of our loss/rejection/pain, we don't like it! Our anger is an attempt to stop it, control it, or push it out of our experience. For those who are uncomfortable with anger, it may show up as passive/aggressive blame, shaming, or revenge, while others may express full blown rage. Either way, it's a temper-tantrum on the inside that sometimes leaks out onto others. We will turn flips to justify it, only temporarily protecting our hurt, eventually feeling the pain anyway. This too shall pass. Just breaaaaathe…and correct as needed.

Bargaining: The bargaining phase has many faces. I call it the "questioning" phase, because through it, we question EVERYTHING, especially ourselves. We might feel desperate, needy, confused, guilty, afraid, blaming, accusing, regretful, frantic, obsessive, crazy...and we'll go back and pick up anger and denial, too. We constantly ponder the "what ifs, only ifs, maybe ifs, should'ves, could'ves, would'ves, and whys". We're looking for logic to our pain. We go over it again and again. We ask what we did, and what we could have done different. We've wrapped ourselves around the legs of our loss like a pleading child, begging "Whyyyyyyy?" We're attempting to find anything that might possibly prevent the inevitable...the letting go. Bargaining is our way of negotiating with fate. It's exhausting and incorrigible...and futile.

Sadness/despair: This is it. This is what we've been attempting to avoid...the true sadness of our loss. Once we've kicked and screamed and pushed against reality, we lay exhausted in a heap on the floor, literally or figuratively. We have no choice but to surrender and allow it to move through us. The tears are not sporadic as they were before, but deep, guttural, and unyielding. We wail. We scream. We feel anguish in our bones. There's no sense of time or space, or logic. We just are. We unfold in that depth of ourselves and open to our humanness...raw and fragile and strong. We. Are. Real. We bleed. We breathe. We hurt. We nurture and we nourish. We love. And we grieve. That's all there is to it. 

Acceptance: Acceptance isn't a sad state of resignation or an Eyore kind of "nothing I can do about it". Acceptance is the clear, precise awareness of what is. Reality is no longer deniable, nor does it conjure up feelings of anger or regret. It is not joyful or exciting either. It's neutral. It's peaceful. It's quiet. It's a gentle, unopened feeling of relief. It allows us to go on with life and love. Our memories don't hurt any longer and will soon even bring us joy. We don't feel guilty when we're happy, or lost when we're alone. We will sometimes still cry, but we don't fight it because it helps us remember that we're alive and loved...and can love again.

So that's it. That's grief in all its glory. It's a beautiful, cleansing, healing process in its own right. It's organic and healthy, and every single human being experiences it. It can be subtle and happen in a moment, or it can be full-on and take days, weeks, months or years, depending on the depth of loss or change in our life. Some people unconsciously hold onto grief in order to hold onto those they've lost, so if you find yourself stuck in sadness, anger, blame, depression, or even unforgiveness, reach out for support. There’s help. It's not easy...and you're not alone.