In my relationship work with couples, as well as my personal
experience of relationship, I’ve learned that the key to a healthy, thriving, passionate partnership is HONOR…honor
of Self, honor of Partner, and honor of Relationship…in that order. This may seem backward to some, especially those of us
who’ve been conditioned by codependency (which is the majority, by the way),
but it’s actually quite the contrary. We cannot truly honor others if we’re not
aware or willing to honor ourSelf, as this is the core of our integrity…our
Truth. If we are not in alignment with
our essential Truth, we are not fully present and our relationships will not fully
benefit from the love we have to share. It is imperative that we learn to dig
deep to discover what our essential “Soul” Truth IS in order to fully embrace
and honor it, in all things. This is the core of our integrity…our character…as
human beings.
Let me be clear that honoring one’s Self is not the same as
thinking ONLY of one’s Self, which is quite the opposite of what I hope to
impart in this writing. If loving another is aligned with our Truth, then
behaving in UN-loving ways or making choices that would be dishonoring or hurtful
to ourselves, our partner, or our relationship, would be equally un-loving and
un-true to ourSelf. This is why honoring Self comes first, because it
encompasses our love for all others.
Honoring Partner is second, not because our partner is less
important, but because honor works from the inside out. When we have chosen to
be in partnership, we have chosen to be on a team and must be mindful of how
our personal choices affect our teammate. When we’re on any kind of team, what
we bring to the team matters. It can be beneficial or detrimental, and it’s up
to each person ON the team to do their best, in order to achieve success as a
whole. The same is true in partnership. We must be willing and mindful to
consider if our choices, actions, communication, and over-all health and well
being are affecting our “team” in a negative or positive way. Yes, we can be healthy, make good choices, and learn
to communicate with respect, validation, and honesty without losing ourselves, which
is honoring of Self and partner, and
keeps the morale of the “team” healthy, balanced and well.
And this brings us to the third principle, which is “honor
the Relationship”. If we think of a relationship as an entity unto itself, we
can see that it takes on a life of its own, much like a child does. For the
sake of analogy, a child is born of two people who come together “in love” and
create a third being, and that’s exactly how we create partnerships! Consider
for a moment how you might care for a child. You would hopefully nurture and
feed it, keep it warm, safe, and healthy, and make sure it was growing and
learning. You would not likely neglect or abandon it, ignore it, or abuse it,
would you? Now, consider whether you are giving your relationship all those
same considerations, and if not, perhaps it needs your attention. This one tool
will take conflict out of the personal realm and into the higher good of the
partnership in an instant!
